7 Signs You May Have Grown Up with Emotionally Immature Parents
Many of us have grown up internalizing messages about how we should prioritize our family throughout our life.
“Family over everything,” “Blood is thicker than water,” or “You only get one mom/dad/brother/sister!”
But what happens when the people who are meant to make us feel loved, supported, and accepted, are the same ones who make us feel alone, criticized, insecure, or misunderstood? Do we still have inherent obligations to those who drain our energy and leave us feeling frustrated just because they are our family?
Admitting that our family members, especially our parents, have or continue to cause us harm, can be difficult and painful. You might even feel guilty for doing so. This is especially true if your parents were never physically or sexually abusive to you, or financially supported you.
Many of my clients have said to me: “My parents never laid a finger on me. I had a roof over my head and food on the table. They provided me with everything that I needed! My parents even sent me to summer camps, took me on vacations and paid my tuition! I should be grateful for my childhood; I have no right to complain about my parents.”
It can be true that you have wonderful childhood memories, and you can still be grateful for the privileges you did have access to growing up. However, having your basic needs met or being financially supported cannot replace emotional intimacy. When you experience emotional intimacy with someone, you feel seen, known, understood, and respected by them. When this is missing from your parental relationships, it can leave you feeling lost, empty, anxious, and alone. It can also mean that you may have grown up with emotionally immature parents (EIPs).
Realizing that your parent(s) are emotionally immature can be a painful reckoning, but it can also be beneficial to your mental health.
Here are some signs that you may have grown up with EIPs:
You don’t feel truly seen or understood by your parents.
EIPs rarely take interest in getting to know who you are as a person. While you may have grown up alongside your parents throughout your entire childhood and adolescence, you might still feel as though they do not know who you truly are. You may find yourself playing a “role” around them, where you only say and do things that you know are expected of you. You might mask other parts of yourself out of fear of disappointment, disapproval, or rejection. As an adult, it may be challenging to distinguish the difference between your “role self” and your “true self”. You might also doubt that others will accept your “true self,” so you continue playing your “role self” in other relationships as well.
2. It feels difficult to ask for what you need.
EIPs can make you feel selfish or ungrateful when asking for something that you want, or even when advocating for your own needs. Or, if your parent does provide you with something that you want or need, they might hold it over your head afterwards to make you feel guilty or indebted to them. Today, you might avoid speaking up for yourself or feel too guilty to ask for favors. You may be afraid that others will view you as needy or entitled, or you may fear that your request will be used against you in the future.
3. You don’t feel as though your opinions matter or are important.
If you grew up with EIPs, your parents might have undermined, ignored, or even mocked your opinions, beliefs, or preferences. If you expressed something that was in opposition to your parents, they may have responded dismissively, citing that because you are a child, you don’t know what you’re talking about. They may have even reacted with anger, feeling disrespected that their child is not automatically aligning with their viewpoint. Even seemingly trivial interests like your preference in music or clothing may have been mocked, belittled, or judged by your parents. When trying to share something important to you, EIPs may talk over you, change the subject, dismiss what you’re saying, or redirect the conversation back to themselves. As an adult, you may be hesitant to share your opinion, unwilling to trust your own opinions, or even struggle to identify what your opinions are in the first place.
4. You are hypersensitive to the emotions of others and often jump to conclusions.
EIPs have difficulty identifying and communicating their emotions effectively. Instead, they rely on emotional contagion, which is using body language or tactics like “the silent treatment” or passive aggressive behavior, to communicate to those around them that they are upset, instead of addressing it directly. You are then forced into a guessing game where you scramble to identify what you did to upset your parent, and determine how to fix it. You might find yourself doing this in other relationships still to this day. A slight shift in your partners’ mood might send you into a spiral of anxiety, self-blame, or fear, when in the end you might learn that there was nothing wrong after all.
5. When you go to your parents for emotional support, their advice feels artificial, awkward, or short.
Because EIPs struggle to express their own emotions effectively, it is also difficult for them to know how to appropriately handle others’ emotions, including their children’s. Going to your parents for support or advice may result in receiving responses that are superficial, dismissive, or minimizing: “Everything happens for a reason!” “Look on the bright side, at least you have XYZ.” “I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Some may even get annoyed or angry: “Well what do you want me to do about it?” “Don’t go crying about it! You’re an adult, figure it out!” Today you may feel reluctant to rely on others for emotional support or convince yourself that your problems are not important enough to share.
6. You know more about your parents’ problems than they do about yours.
While EIPs rarely offer listening or empathy when you are distressed, they often require and demand your attention when they are upset. Sometimes EIPs will inappropriately rely on their children for emotional support. You may view your parent as more of a peer, or you may know a lot about your parents’ personal struggles. As a child, you might have spent (or continue to spend) a lot of time consoling your parent or giving them advice. If this was normalized for you growing up, you are likely unaware of how this dynamic is inappropriate and can be harmful. As an adult, you default to putting others’ needs before your own because you are used to doing this for your caregiver.
7. Setting a boundary with your parent feels impossible or disrespectful.
EIPs struggle to accept that their children are inherently deserving of an autonomous and independent life and identity separate from them. EIPs feel entitled to your unconditional time, energy, and unwavering loyalty. The thought of saying “no,” to coming home for a family holiday, refusing to do a favor, or sharing your discomfort with hearing about personal issues, may feel anxiety-provoking at the least and fear-inducing at worst. This can leave you feeling trapped and coerced into agreeing to things that you don’t feel comfortable with, which can lead to feelings of resentment. It might be difficult to stand up for yourself in relationships or at work, and you might find yourself frequently taking on more than what feels comfortable. It is difficult for you to believe that saying “no” is an option.
If any of these resonate, you may have grown up with EIPs. Sitting with this possibility can feel validating, and it can also feel scary. But know this:
Being emotionally immature does not make your parents bad people, or even bad parents. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Based on your parents’ upbringing, cultural background, and access to emotional resources (or lack thereof), their parenting style was likely all they knew how to provide.
Learning you have emotionally immature parents does not require you to cut off your relationship to them. Understanding this can potentially help you to develop a healthier relationship with them. Learning about your parents’ behavioral and emotional patterns can provide a more accurate picture of who they are and what they are capable of providing. You can then determine the capacity for which you are willing and able to interact with them in a safe and healthy way.
You deserve to feel worthy, self-assured, and not only accepted, but respected and celebrated by the people in your life. You are entitled to your autonomy and you are not doomed to a cycle of shame and self-blame. You are not alone. There are people and resources that can help you heal your relationships to your family, community, and most importantly, to yourself.
Changing the Conversation About Trauma
If you’re struggling to define a clear boundary with your parents, it might be time to try a therapy session to strengthened these skills. We offer free 15-minute consultations to get you started, so book a call to find out if Fleurish Psychotherapy in Scottdale, GA is the right fit for you. We may be able to help debunk any other myths you might have about therapy and help you get started on a path towards mental well-being.
